My vagabond of a Sketch Book I have carried with me, by my side, for 11 years without touching

 

Hello, My name is Maria and I suffer from what some may say commitment issues!!!!

It’s a Dark world of chaos to be in…

I would buy or receive a beautiful nice sketch book and then Id NEVER draw in it……..Its like the OCD in my artistic world.

OK soo I have always been a firm believer in DONT buy gorgeous sketch books, don’t buy sketch books in general. Just too much pressure. I just couldn’t  do it. I refused… But would envy those amazing crazy sketch books my friends entrusted with their work.

What would I do then you ask?…..I would create what I felt my most soulful pieces On scrap paper, napkins, or my fav….. those tiny little kids spiral Lisa frank or Garfield notebooks!! THE LINED ONES!!!! This would often frustrate me because it would cause me to either lose my favorite drawings and doodles. OR my art was subjected to flimsy paper that had margins!!!!!  BUT on the other hand it would be my most relaxing intimate experience creating whatever I may have scribbled on them….ThIS was a major issue.

I legit probably have had 10-15 NICE NICE  & Regular sketch books, with maybe one or two things in them. and I Have folders with  random sized random textured papers that I’ve drawn on…..and then would lose or tear or fold……… i just accepted the fact that, I myself would only have my work for a certain time, and took relief in thinking that the many times i have dropped or lost a sketch or painting that maybe someone found them and was experiencing their life with something a stranger made but they enjoyed…..something from me was just living out there….. Well I rather fantasize that then picture them sinking in some mud puddle to never be seen to be loved or hated again……

IT is a serious dilemma,

Well I think I may Have defeated my problem, I have actually had this beautiful $40.00 that I bought senior year of high school 2003 as a gift on my way to college to study Studio Arts. It was beautiful!!!!!

SOOoo beautiful that I refused to put anything in it that wasn’t what I felt was deserving of its pages!!!

Which being an artist you actually never know how you will feel about the damn thing till it’s midway thru to finished!!!! So this posed a problem leaving me to hold on to that book and take with me anywhere I ever moved or stayed, I would even keep it in my purse thinking on a daily basis… for YEARS. I would justify it by thinking ” I may draw something in it for real today.”

This Book was my curse, like a tantalising curse just leading me on.

I did this for actually about eleven years, traveling with it by my side, drawing on separate sheets of paper right beside it…….. thinking I will just Glue my drawings that I favored to it……… This book only deserved the best after all..

Its medieval brown swede binding with gold inlay and embroidered thread,  the pages a perfectly stained in what I imagined Tea from some long-lost world.  The edges of its pages dipped in some sort of shiny gold pigment.

To me it was breath-taking.

This sketch book has been my frienemy

If only I knew now what i knew then…………………flip that of course 😉

I couldn’t commit to drawings, it was just impossible. So I committed to writing and ideas on my next creation. I thought if I wrote neatly enough it would be a great go to art bible you could say. I started this endeavor and made my greatest mistake ever!!!

I constantly change my ideas causing me to have to scribble or erase or leave smudges on anything I attempt to leave any idea of a mark on.

It was so tragic at the time…….The BOOK I waited a FRIGEN DECADE to draw in I ended up maiming it!!!!!!!! Or so I thought

I fixed it my problem unknowingly.

If you know me you know I am messy………especially with my work, I usually have paint on my face and in my hair. I scribble I scratch, Some how I end up filthy every single day.My work is never neat and is usually very chaotic.

I thrive off of not having to conform and feel put together. I feel the most beautiful when I am the messiest

That’s what I needed ……..

It’s like a relationship, I needed something to except me, I needed something that could handle my chaos

The minute my book got messy and the cover dripped with paint (Then smudged permanently from me trying to quickly erase it.) Was the minute I felt it was good enough for me, not the other way around as I have previously thought.

Now what was like my arch nemeses is now a BIG small piece of my world. A savior at times…………

So I introduce to you my Vagabond of a sketch book, who now I now allow to hold random pieces of my soul…..

and here’s what he keeps hidden for me

Thank you. if anyone else is suffering from commitment issues….. I’m here for you!!!

I feel your pain

Take it one day at a time

hehe